My rating 7/10
Quick Summary: I learned about this book through Dave Ramsey. It is a christian self help book focused on proactively taking control of your life through creating limits in your relationships.
The book starts out with a story of Sheri, a woman who says yes to everything people ask of her. She gives her time and talents to her boss, widowed mother, husband, church, and children without really making time for herself. She is unhappy and isn’t serving others supposed to make her happy?
Her problems stem from boundary issues. She doesn’t have firm boundaries set up to keep the good in her life and the bad out of her life. Boundaries are limits which come in many different forms. Boundaries can be as simple as the words you use, such as no, to the consequences you give others or let others feel for themselves.
Boundary Busters
To help someone begin on their boundary creation journey it helps to understand the types of boundary busters that exist. This way they can learn to recognize it in themselves as well as others.
Types of Boundary Busters
- Compliants: compliants avoid the bad. They have an inability to say no to even unhealthy or harmful situations. They are described as chameleons because they blend in as they become just like their friends.
- Avoidants: avoidants say no to the good. They have the inability to ask for help.
- Controllers: controllers don’t respect others boundaries. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives so they place their burdens and crises on others. They use either aggressive or manipulative tactics to get what they want. They may seem like they get what they want but they are really a slave to their appetites as they are unable to delay gratification. Controllers can feel isolated because the people around them are only around them out of fear, guilt, or dependency
- Non-Responsives: non-repsonsives don’t hear the needs of others. They don’t pay attention to the responsibilities of love. We have the responsibility to care about and help others who God has placed in our lives within certain limits. They fall into 2 groups
- Those with a critical spirit towards others needs. They ignore their responsibility to show concern for others around them
- Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs they exclude others
Creating Boundaries
When creating boundaries use the following steps:
- What are the symptoms? Are you feeling upset around a certain person? Is a relationship you have suffering? Are you not getting done what you would like? Are you getting burnt out at work?
- What is the boundary conflict? Is the other person using aggression or manipulation to control you? Are you taking on work that isn’t your responsibility? Are you removing the consequences from someone else’s actions?
- What is the underlying need? Are you looking for love? Are you looking for friendship? Do you want someone to not be hurt?
A great example of this is of parents that came to meet with the Dr. Cloud who is a psychologist. Their son was very lazy, still lived at home, and had even gotten into to drugs. These were the symptoms. They had tried to do everything to help him by giving him money when he ran out, giving him a place to live while he acted out, and responding to every need. They were removing the consequences of his poor actions. This was the boundary conflict. They had just wanted their son to be responsible. This was the underlying need. So to do so they needed to create boundaries and not remove the consequences of his actions. Instead of giving him money when he ran out, let him be broke.
Boundary Laws
Cloud asserts there are distinct laws connected to boundaries that are as natural as gravity. Taking note of these laws help with understanding your own boundaries as you create them.
- Law of the harvest: What you sow you also reap. If you cross boundaries then you will either put the consequences of your actions on someone else or you will take on their consequences.
- Law of responsibility: you are responsible for yourself. You are responsible to people but not for people.
- Law of power: You must accept what you have power over and what you do not. Change what you can change and don’t try to change what you can’t.
- Law of respect: You must respect the freedom of others and realize that when they say no it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. As you do so you will receive the same response back in kind.
- Law of motivation: you shouldn’t be motivated by guilt, approval, fear, etc. You are free and therefore should do things out of your own free will. Freedom first, service second.
- Law of evaluation: when creating boundaries you need to evaluate the effect it will have on others. It may hurt them but it shouldn’t harm them.
- Law of proactivity: be proactive in creating your circumstances and not reactive.
- Law of envy: envious people will always have an empty hollow life. Instead of envy evaluate your life and your desires and figure out what work needs to be done to achieve those desires.
- Law of exposure: you need to express your boundaries to others so they understand your boundaries instead of just holding in your boundaries and not enforcing them.
Boundary Myths
As you create boundaries you will encounter difficulties from yourself and from others. These myths will help you decipher and continue with your boundary creation.
- If I set boundaries I’m being selfish. Stewardship is different from selfishness. When you set boundaries you are actually being a steward of your time and your life.
- Setting up boundaries is a sign of disobedience. This ties back to motivation. You must first realize your freedom and choose to obey or disobey. You can only do this if you have boundaries to act for yourself.
- Creating boundaries will cause others to hurt me. Some think that if you set a boundary others will leave you or try to hurt you in other ways. Creating boundaries actually creates more discussion and happiness in relationships. At first others may react differently to you if you haven’t set boundaries but it will actually bring out the truth of the relationship.
- Creating boundaries will hurt others. You should create multiple relationships so that one someone says no you have other relationships with other things that those relationships can offer. Others are to take responsibility for their own lives.
- Boundaries mean that I am angry. At the beginning feelings of anger may come up because of a long time of being taken advantage of. If these feeling persist you should reevaluate your boundaries.
- Others Boundaries will injure me. Much like your boundaries, others will say no to you. To receive respect you too must give it.
- Boundaries cause feelings of guilt. If someone does something for you do you owe them anything? Most times the answer to this question is no. If they do it out of love to you then all you owe them is gratitude.
- Boundaries are permanent and will result in burned bridges. Your boundaries are up to you. You may change them when other respond respectfully.
As you create boundaries you will feel grief. This is normal because you will discover that your needs weren’t getting met but some people and you will have to fix those relationships. Others may also be angry with you then simply respond ” I understand you are upset, as soon as you are able to speak to me without being angry let’s talk, otherwise we can’t talk.”
In summary as you create boundaries you will be able to take control of your life and create better relationships with others, yourself, and with God.